The other morning, I was awakened by my angel girl early.  She was upset because she had had an accident in bed.  She hasn't done that before and needed help and reassurance.  I told her to go into the bathroom and we would wash her up and then work together to get the sheet and pillowcases off.  


She was as tired as I and confused by what had happened.  I just hugged her and told her that accidents occur all the time and that she had done a great job coming to get me and helping me pull everything off the bed.  I helped her into clean clothes and then she came and snuggled in our bed.  

I stroked her hair and told her how much I loved her and she leaned into me and kissed my cheek sleepily.  "Thank you, mother.  I love you so much."  She looked like she was going to close her eyes and fall asleep, but instead she asked quietly, "Am I OK?  Why did I have an accident?"  

I asked her if anything hurt or didn't feel right and she said, "No.  I feel OK."  I asked if she had a dream that scared her or made it difficult to wake up and she didn't answer right away.  Then she said, "I want to keep that for myself.  Is that OK?"  

I assured her, "Of course that's OK, honey...a dream could maybe cause you to have an accident, though.  Sometimes I have dreams and I don't want to wake up and other times, I get so scared by my dreams that I yell and talk out loud and Dada has to wake me.  That can be upsetting.  Dreams are nice to hold inside because they are yours, but if you ever want to talk to me about your dream or anything else, that's what I am here for--to listen and help you where and how I can.  OK?"

She nodded her head and smiled at me and I kissed her and told her to go to sleep--that it was early and that we were both still tired.  She snuggled her little body next to mine and we drifted off, warm and comfy.  The last thought I had, made me smile..."I am so lucky to have her for a daughter, and it makes it easy to respond to her in a way that is loving, kind and safe.  I am a good mom."

That thought, in and of itself, made me really happy because my mom never snuggled with me in bed or told me it was OK to have accidents or encouraged me to keep some of my dreams to myself and to share them when I wanted...she would have had a polar opposite response to everything I told my daughter...and thank goodness!  If she wouldn't have, maybe I wouldn't be the mother I am.  Who knows.  I just felt really GRATEFUL and filled with love.

This makes more and more sense to me lately...and it makes all the difference in my life...when I do things from love, whether it be washing clothes, kids' faces, yoga mats or my inner thoughts, everything is easier and more joyful. My life FLOWS. 

When I operate from my ego, I feel anxious, afraid, upset and the flow is disrupted and stilted. 

Love matters--not just the romantic kind that makes your heart skip and race or the paternal kind that consumes you with awe and vulnerability, but all of it--the love that appreciates each moment and person on our path, the love that helps us see beauty and similarity in all yet makes space for the uniqueness to flourish but not overrun. 

Today; pause and breathe for a moment before moving forward or responding to anything or anyone.  Surround yourself with love and then extend that same love outwardly.  Make note of any difference in your experience. Namaste.

Real conversations...

Our youngest (he just turned three and is ALL BOY) had HORRIBLE gas yesterday.

Every five minutes he would say, "Me tooted...and again, and again me tooted.  Escue me, escue me, escue me, Mama!"

Sometimes, he would try to sneak it out and wouldn't say anything, but then our daughter would dramatically say, "Did you toot AGAIN?!  I am going to DIE, Mama!  Make him go on a time out."  This caused him to be outraged and say to her, "Me not go on a timeout.  Me not naughty...me just TOOTING!  EBREEONE, TOOTS!"  So then she said, "But not like THAT.  I can't breathe!  I'm not going to play with you anymore."  Disappointed by this threat and a little nervous, he said, "Me sorry."  So we had to have a conversation about how it is OK to toot, but it is more polite to do it in the bathroom.

I went and got some air freshener to lighten the air and they went off  to play again until the fragrance wasn't there anymore, but another not-so-pleasant smell was...

and so it continued throughout the day...

The day before the tooting conversation, when we took a drive to Sendik's to get veggies for juicing, my husband ran in and I waited in the car with the kids (if you have three or more kids, you will probably understand why we do this--it IS to save our sanity).  While we were waiting for "Dada" to get back, our youngest (Little Shrek) saw someone coming--a man who had parked next to us--and he wanted me to roll the window down so he could talk to him.

Our eldest said to him, "He's a stranger!"  Our daughter (Miss A.) chimed in, "You don't just start talking to someone you don't know.  You're a stranger to him."  Little Shrek was indignant, "Me not a stranger.  I'm Little Shrek.  Der's Mama and Dada's in da store."  Miss A. repeated impatiently, "YOU are a STRANGER to HIM!  Weren't you listening to anything I said to you?"  Little Shrek thought about it for a moment and then said, "But, if Mama rolls down da window and me say 'Hi, I'm Little Shrek' to him, den he's not a stranger anymore.  So, Mama...can you roll down da window?"

I couldn't possibly make these conversations up.

Strong and Resilient

My Medicine Wheel Garden, at The Soul Source, is a constant source of inspiration and beauty to me.

I took this picture shortly after the torrential rain this week when my daffodils were knocked over and pelted down...but still blooming. 

 
I hope you do the same--even when you feel like lying down and giving up, think of this beautiful flower and decide to RISE AGAIN. Shine your light and stay stong! Namaste.

Flying & Traipsing Along

Have you ever had this kind of day?  Where something wonderful lifts you up and you feel proud and relieved and HAPPY?   You just float along--flying through your day...until you run into a cloud or a brick wall?  You come down fast and feel yourself for a while dragging and traipsing--still a bit high and grateful from flying, but feeling somewhat dazed and heavy?  That is the kind of day I had yesterday.

It has been a long and eventful year with our eldest being in public school for the first time.  Many times, I am GRATEFUL beyond words for the progress in social skills we have see in him.  His teacher is very responsive, patient and real which is what he needs.  However, I have to say, I have also had more than one conversation with my husband about how effective the public educational system is..or is NOT. 

The teachers are overwhelmed with getting kids to pass tests instead of gaining life skills, looming budget cuts and changing tax regulations that take away a lot of writeoffs they could make in the past, and that doesn't even begin to encompass the babysitting and parenting they are having to do for absent or completely bewildered parents.   

I tried to volunteer, but decided not to bother when the background check process took over 3 months and would have COST ME $40.00.  So our son's class is still without a volunteer.  No wonder teachers need three months off--they would probably all have nervous breakdowns without the time away.

As a result, we have been toying with the idea of homeschooling or doing a Virtual Academy again because it seems every day our son comes home with more frowny faces than smilely and a list of everything he did wrong instead of right.  PLUS, in the car, on the drive home, when he is safe and warm and unraveling the stories and experiences from the day, we inevitably hear about how some other student has hit, kicked or punched him AND gotten away with it, because the same kid has convinced him that if he tells the teacher, he is a tattletale. 

This is only the 1st grade, too!  What kind of stories will I be regaled with when he is a teenager and there are hormones AND crappy parenting skills at work? 

Anyhow, it was a BIG deal when he was able to make a decision for HIMSELF recently AND feel good about it.  He wanted to get a Lego game and I told him that would be fine if he wanted to take $ out of his piggy bank to buy it.  He was very sure of himself and his decision until we had paid for his game and were walking out the store.  That's when he started to cry and said, "I want both--the game and the Angry Birds t-shirt." 

We sat down and had a wonderfully insightful and mature conversation where he lamented, "I don't know how to make decisions.  What should I do?"  I folded him into my arms and whispered, "Life is FILLED with decisions and only YOU can make the BEST decision for you.  Mama can help give you ideas and listen, but ultimately, YOU need to choose what YOU want."

After he calmed down and talked about his options, he decided to put the game back and get the Angry Bird t-shirt.  It didn't cost him anything (it cost me something) and he can save his $ for something he REALLY wants!  We returned the game and paid for the shirt.  When we were done with the transaction, he gave me a watery smile and said, "I think I made a good decision."  I told him, "I think you made a GREAT decision!  I am so proud of you!"  He was proud of himself, too.

I rode this high until yesterday afternoon, when he got out of school and told me that he had refused to read to one of his classmates.  I didn't crash down, but I was pretty deflated.  He told me, as we sat on the playground bench and discussed the situation, that he was afraid to read to a boy in his class because he's sick and bruised and he didn't want to get that way, too.  Oh, gosh...

Disappointment and empathy mingled together.  This little boy is sick and bruised and he is only a few months older than my son...It was unkind behavior but, illness can be a really scary thing for young kids. 

We spent a good deal of time talking about how there are LOTS of different people everywhere.  We reminded him that he can act a LOT differently than other kids sometimes and that, when they are unkind to HIM, it hurts his feelings and makes him feel really sad and alone.  These conversations were eye-opening for him...and for us. 

I said on FB, "Today wasn't the best day for our eldest...it provided us all with a wonderful learning opportunity so, I guess, in essence it was a REALLY GOOD day. I know this sounds confusing, but it makes perfect sense to me." 

I guess that's what I meant about "Flying and Traipsing Along."  Life is like this...You soar and then tumble, you have extreme clarity and then are overwhelmed with confusion, you are high and then low.  I think the lesson is not in how to avoid these situations, but how to smooth and polish them out a bit so the ride isn't so extreme.  I am learning how to pull in my wings a little when I am flying and pick my feet up when I am stumbling along so I can even everything out.  Hope you are finding your way, too.

Cake and Communion

I awoke this morning before 5AM--a bad dream that I couldn't shake.  I laid in bed for a while breathing deeply and relaxing my body, but I wasn't tired.  The dream had been so vivid and insistent.  I decided to get up instead and padded downstairs in slippered feet.

I put my shoes on and called our dog down to go outside into the cold spring air.  Together, we walked around in circles on the frosted grass and then moved over to  the compost containers to make an offering of cilantro, carrot and bean tops, squeezed limes and orange pulp.

The sky was the color of a soft summer peach and the frost on the grass sparkled in the fresh morning light.  It was so quiet and peaceful.  I stopped to listen.  The light pecking and pounding of a woodpecker on one of the ancients gathered my attention.  It is a tree of my childhood and a sense of protective pride welled up inside.  I yelled, "Hey," into the chilly morning, but remained anchored where I was, watching the sky turn more dreamy orange.

I ran into the house, calling my dog impatiently in for breakfast and grabbed my camera--afraid the unique palette of color would fade while I was gone.  I took this picture and some others of the crystalized grass and flowers and then sat on the porch stairs and closed my eyes.

In these small moments of breathing and being, I communed with the natural world around me.  I could feel my connection to the earth and sky, to the trees and birds, to the air and animals.  It was tangible and magical and I wanted the sensation to go on forever.  The feeling of cold and wet seeping into my sitting bones from the porch demanded otherwise, though...I decided to go in and commune with some food.

I have been discovering a hidden love for baking and cooking recently--probably because I am making time to explore the possibility of blending and chopping to create edible art.  I made a cinnamon swirl cake with fresh fruit so the kids could have a warm, sweet meal for breakfast and then put the kettle onto boil--tea, that is.  Steeped and served with whole milk or cream (for the boys) or almond or coconut milk (for our girl) it is better than coffee.  Taking that first hot sip of stablizing goodness was my second moment of fleeting communion.  REALLY!  That is what tea does for me...it is immediately grounds and comforts my soul.  Do you have this same addiction?

After breakfast, I went over to do a couple psychic-mediumship readings to benefit the Washington County Humane Society (WCHS).  If you are interested in having me do a reading for you, just call or email The Soul Source and I will get back to you to set something up.  I want to continue practicing my connection to spirit--another deeply gratifying type of communion for me--so that the link comes quickly and effortlessly.  I am asking $10 for a 15 minute psychic card reading or $20.00 for a 30 minute psychic mediumship reading, and I am donating all the proceeds to WCHS.  I felt I received solid evidence for the people who came and I closed up for the day feeling so happy and grateful.

When I got home, the kids and my husband were waiting to go to my niece's 1st Communion party.  What a beautiful vision in white she was--complete with headpiece and freshly wound curls of perfection.  It was a stunning preview of the amazing women she is growing into and will continue to become.  The whole afternoon was saturated with goodness and laughter, with an understanding and acceptance I haven't felt in a while (even with the disagreements we had).  Maybe this feeling comes hand in hand with age--we are all getting older and bearing witness to the unfolding of new generations can be very humbling.

No matter what, these final moments of listening, talking and connecting with my family were so sweet--like the icing on my day cake.  I am full--physically and emotionally--of love, devotion and hope for our future and I want to just say, "Thank you." For everything and everyone in my life.  This seems to be the most simple and perfect way of communing--to express gratitude over and over in words, actions and thoughts.

Thank YOU.  Namaste.

Practicing Warrior

“The art of being a warrior is to balance the wonder and the terror of being alive.”

Carlos Castaneda

I love Warrior I--it is a place of finding balance and comfort--of CLAIMING my own strength.  I like how my hips and chest are open and facing forward...shining a path in front of me.  I enjoy the feeling of tilting my gaze upward to celebrate the infinite expanse of sky and stars and all my ancestors and angels.  

I also like moving back and forth between Warrior I and Pyramid--not just for the intensity and ease, but because doing this reminds me of the need, in life, to bend and sink, lengthen and reach.  Every day.  

While in these poses, I wonder:

"Can I push through a situation by turning my gaze outwardly?" 

or 

"Do I feel like taking a risk and exposing my heart or would it be easier to fold down and breathe into the situation?"  

Yoga is filled with practical insights that relate to many situations in my life and help me cope with them as well.  Yoga teaches me over and over to breathe and notice...to respectfully and mindfully balance on the edge of comfort and intensity...of wonder and terror. 

I inhale and lift--I am strong.  

I exhale and bend--I am resilient.  

I flow back and forth--I am ALIVE.  

Simple Meditation for Releasing Negative Emotions

There are many times throughout the week that I just stop and remind myself to breathe.  Do you ever have those kind of days?  When you are feeling rushed and impatient...when you wish the day was almost over, but know it has just begun?  I allow these moments to happen--I know that.  However, saying that doesn't make them seem any less crazy or real.  


What does, though, is when I hear my daughter say, "Mama, you are yelling...we don't yell."  I immediately stop and breathe...deeply and slowly.

It is in these moments, I realize the physical characteristics of tension--my shoulders are hiked up to my ears, my face feels warm, my breath is shallow and more rapid...I am STRESSED.  Usually, it is about being late for something or having to repeat the same thing over and over at least 36 times in 20 minutes.  Silly, unimportant stuff that seems important, but really isn't. Does this make sense? 


I apologize for raising my voice and thank my daughter for reminding me that I was speaking at a level 4 instead of a 2.  Part of me celebrates the fact that I am becoming more aware and less likely to win the "Like Mother-Like Daughter" award for parenting, but the other part of me still feels like CRAP.  "Bad mother," whispers that scared part of me who pretends kind and quiet Virgin Mary was my REAL mother.  I want nothing to do with the screaming, brilliant, cruel, beautiful alcoholic banshee who was my role model.  


No excuses...just reality. 


It is on these days when I especially need a few moments to myself--not an hour or two, just a few minutes of quietness where I can sit or lie down, close my eyes and just breathe.  You can try it, too.  Here is one of the meditations--simple and easy--that I do to release negative emotions and beliefs.  


Find a comfy spot for YOU.  Notice your breath--try not to judge.  Just allow the thoughts and feelings to come and go easily.

Pay attention to the sound and flow of your breath--hear and feel it moving in and out of your body.  Observe any thoughts or feelings running through your mind or bubbling to the surface.  

When you begin to feel more calm and centered, place one hand below your navel and the other just above it. Feel your belly expand widely as you inhale and collapse back toward your spine as you exhale deeply and slowly. 

After 5-10 complete breath cycles, place one hand above your navel and the other on your heart so you can feel your breath moving easily through your body as it expands and contracts--going deeper and deeper with every breath.  Allow your heart and chest to open even further--inviting a sense of complete, loving compassion into your experience.

Your mind feels more quiet, your body seems more relaxed and soft.  You imagine yourself smiling easily, beginning to see yourself in a safe and happy space.  It can be anywhere.  Let limitations and doubt melt away with each exhalation.  With every inhalation, invite possibilities and magic into your imagination. 

When you are ready, quietly inquire, "What was it like to be a young child blowing bubbles?"  Let a memory come back to you slowly.  See yourself or your child or grandchild blowing bubbles outside on a beautiful summer day.  The sun is out, the sky is blue and you feel warm, safe and comfortable.  Take time to recreate this memory and visualize the space--see colors, take note of the fragrances and your feelings.  BE this young, exquisite child.

Inhale and dip your wand into the bubbles.

Exhale and slowly blow the bubbles out through the wand sending all your worries and stress with them.

On your next couple of inhalations, dip your wand into the bubbles and visualize the clear sparkling soap filled with joy and love--so as you inhale, bring that warm and healing feeling of joy and love into your body and allow it to flow down to your toes and out to your fingers further encouraging you to relax and slow your body down.

As you exhale, blow any type of anger or frustration, tension or stress that you have carried throughout the day into these wonderful soap bubbles and send them all floating away from you—just release these negative feelings and let them go--making more room for joy, love and warm healing energy in your body.

On your last two inhalations, visualize pushing the wand deep into the soap bubbles and noticing the happy anticipation of being free from worry.  Blow any final feelings of frustration or stress out of your body--send huge bubbles into the air above you. As you do this, imagine laughing and smiling as you see the bubbles taking your stress far up into the clouds and away from you.

You now feel relaxed and centered and ready to return to your normal functions. Open your eyes and stretch out your arms and legs before getting up.


Perhaps, like I am, you are now ready to give "being" another go.  I am off to do my best--feeling lighter and more free of those "should" and "could" demons...for now.  


Namaste.