Getting lost in my thoughts isn't so bad...

I have noticed lately that I REALLY NEED to be outside. 

To touch the earth with my hands and knees, to run my fingertips over the soft petals of a flower or the rough bark of a tree.  I have a desire to GROUND myself...to get out of my analytical brain and instead breathe and feel my body moving with the swaying of the branches overhead or the song of the cranes in the field. 

I spend too much time on the computer--updating my website, posting notices to facebook, pinning something to Pinterest, scheduling something on Meetup or working in publisher to create a calendar or poster. 

I LIKE doing these things--I'm not trying to mislead you--I like the creative aspects and instant feedback and gratification of reaching someone in cyberspace...writing something that resonates with another human being.

However, these are not thoughts for myself...they are not my musings, inspirations, hopes and secret wishes.  They are like a business card I staple to a bulletin board in a coffee house...something interesting and eye-catching, but not ME.  Does that make sense? 

Often, I go outside to be with myself and to go within.  I feel my stillness and notice where I am holding back--tears, anger, disappointment, joy, excitement...things that I am afraid to shed completely in front of my kids, dad and husband.

I go outside to be more connected to the wildness inside of me--to that being of freedom and forests, of fireflies and flowers...beautiful and imperfect, yet splendid BECAUSE of the glorious edges and darkness.

I like to wander and stop.  To sit on the grass or a large, flat rock and think.  I am reminded of how when I teach yoga, I am present and in the practice for OTHERS, but it is not my own.  I can't just close my eyes and listen to my breath and allow it to help stretch my leg or lengthen my side or release my shoulders.  I am thinking and explaining, watching and sensing, giving feedback and adjustments.

It is the same when I am at home, working on my business and being a mom.  It isn't MY time--it is doing for others and being present for them, and I LOVE it...but I NEED to get outside or to be away for a moment and have my "on-the-mat" time.

What do you do to connect with your truest and deepest self?  Do you do it enough?  How can you find more time to get on your mat and practice being with YOU?

Reading and writing is another thing I do for ME.  I like to go out for coffee or just wander through goodwill or steins and imagine things I can create or plant or wear just for ME.  I find the more time I set aside to get LOST within myself, the less LOST I am in my life.  I have more clarity and direction, more purpose and priority.

I hope you are making time this weekend, with all the doing and going, to get out alone and just LOSE yourself in YOU!  What a grand Memorial Holiday that will be!

Namaste.

Making time for the small things in life...

A sweet Mama has moved in at Maryacres.  It is Robin--a silly, innocent mother who has found a place to build her nest right under our noses. 

She scared the daylights out of me one night a few weeks ago when I came home after teaching class--it was dark and the porch light came on as I moved toward the front door.  She bolted and fluttered back and forth protectively around her nest until I moved away.  


After about ten minutes of shooing and smacking mosquitoes, I made a quick dash to the door while she stood near her nest, looking up at the light as if in a trance.

I LOVE robins and have spent numerous spring and summer days looking for nests and the pale, pretty blue eggs.  They symbolize rebirth and renewal--hope and joy springing up in every corner of the land--and gratitude for a time to recharge and explore. 

So--you can imagine how happy I was to get this picture and the ones below of Robin and her little babies.  When Robin is out and about looking for food, I carefully creep to the cabinet, pull up a box on which to stand (I am vertically challenged, you know) and then raise the camera carefully over the nest to take the pictures.

As the weeks have passed, Robin has become more accustomed to the dogs and us coming and going, yelling, barking, laughing and moving around.  She has been a good mother--gathering and sitting, warming and then leaving, returning with things to give comfort and nourishment to her small chicks. 

I admire her and her patience and tenacity.  I admire how she focuses on the small things that need to be done to survive and thrive in our world, but I also LOVE how she knows how and when to rest.  She flits and flies here and there diligently digging and protecting, and then gently drops food into her chicks' open and awaiting mouths.  It is a LOT of work, but she doesn't complain or let up.  Instead, she settles down over the chicks to keep them warm and safe.  It is beautiful and comforting to see.  


I watch her when she is gone, too, and see how, when she is away from the nest, she also takes time for herself--to clean her feathers, to grab food for herself, to sit on the roof of the smokehouse and sun herself.  It is an important reminder to me and ALL mothers.  Take time for YOU.  MAKE TIME!  We are all better and more loving when we do.  We are able to mentor our children in how to live WELL in this world--instead of JUST survive.

There were originally three small chicks in the nest, and seeing them reminded me again of my own situation--we have three kids whom I adore and upon which I dote--I spend an inordinate amount of time gathering and preparing food, helping them test their wings in the world, making sure they feel safe and confident--LOVED!  I can't imagine my life without any of them and their unique personalities and gifts.  I am so blessed.

Sadly, though, our Robin now only has 2 babies. The dogs unfortunately startled one out of the nest this week and it didn't make it. It broke my heart so see it laying on the ground so still and stiff.  Part of my universal mother wisdom cried out at Robin's loss and I wanted to do something to comfort her.  We had a ritual to celebrate her baby's life and how it had touched ours.

Little Shrek, Miss A., John and I wrapped the small, soft bird in a piece of old flannel sheet with roses on it and then tied the bundle together with a blue ribbon. We dug a hole near Mowgli (our lab, who died and is buried behind the house in a small clearing in the trees) and placed her beautiful, small body in the ground.

The kids said blessings of "I wish you were still alive, but since you aren't, I hope you get lots of big worms and juicy 'drubs' in Heaven with the angels." We put pine cones and flowers on top of the grave and wished her sweet chick happy flight.

I will ALWAYS remember this small moment with my kids because it was so special and filled with love--the love I have been feeding and nurturing them with.  It was kind and sweet and a perfect reflection of my "mothering."

I saw in that moment that they are learning even the tiniest of "God's creatures" matter--as does their life and how we honor it. 

It made me smile and know that my "chicks" are growing up and will leave the nest soon enough.  It also has encouraged me to STOP and cherish more of the small, seemingly inconsequential moments in our life together.

What are doing to welcome and honor the teachers who show up on your front porch?  How are you "mothering" yourself and others in your life?

Remember the small moments and enjoy the life you are weaving with them.

Namaste.

Taking my yoga practice outside to garden...

Did you get outside yesterday?  It was a SPECTACULAR specimen of Wisconsin weather and a great reminder about why I LOVE living here!  With a light breeze and the mist from the hose, the kids and I barely noticed it was in the eighties...and my eldest, who is off of school for the week because he has suspicious whooping cough symptoms, commented cheerfully, "All the other kids in my class have school today, but I get to be outside in the sunshine.  This is best part of my day."

We have been cooped up inside resting in jammies for the past few days, so I told them it was time to get out in the fresh air.  It feels so amazingly wonderful to be alive on days like yesterday--you sweat, your skin flushes, and you breathe deeply while you listen to the cardinals and robins singing and the wind blowing in the maple leaves overhead. 

This setting is what I imagine many times in my meditations...a perfect place of peace and calm...well, almost.  It was soon interupted by the kids screaming and fighting, squealing and laughing, dogs barking and running and bikers, buses and mopeds moving by...you know, normal day to day distractions.

When I continued to breathe and sink my hands into the earth to plant new vegetables and happy marigolds, these sounds melded quickly into the background and it was again relaxing and calming.  Are you like this?  Do you, too, need to be outside, connected to the Earth and its grounding richness? 

I think of yoga as I am working--how my hands are like my feet, when I am down on my knees--grounding me and connecting me to my source.  I love the solid strength I feel in my palms as I press down and I often arch my back into cat as I move down the row--just stretching and breathing so I don't get stiff or sore.

Here are some pictures of what I am doing--just cleaning up and using spaces around the buildings at the farm...remembering as I dig, the many times I did the same thing with my grandmother in the same spaces.


Digging and pulling, planting and watering, watching and waiting for things to bloom and flourish.  I channel her sweet spirit and devotion to this land and farm with everything I do lately and it makes me so wonderfully happy and content. 

I hope you are finding joy in these late spring/early summer days.  They are magical and precious and they pass too quickly if you don't make time to stop and savor them.

Happy Mother's Day!

This is a picture of my mother, when she was young.  


I carry it with me as a reminder of who I am and how every moment I can choose to grow and share my light and love or let that light slowly go out--dampened by guilt, anger, disappointment and fear.  


My mother was an amazing woman and teacher--something I didn't really realize until much later, years after she had died.  


She was funny and smart and so pretty.  She was incredibly talented and hard working and did a lot in the community and our family to make it beautiful and better.  


She was also an abusive alcoholic, riddled with regret for a life she had wanted but didn't find.  


I used to think she was horribly mean and weak.  I was angry at her for abandoning us again by dying at such a young age.  But, all of those thoughts and feelings now seem judgmental and small.  


She died at the perfect time for her soul.  Her disease was just one part of her--it did NOT define who she was or how she is remembered.  


When I speak to my children about her, I am candid yet loving.  She was an INCREDIBLE woman who gave much of herself to others.  She raised strong, intelligent and hard-working children--who sometimes struggle with issues of not being good enough...but these are OUR challenges--not hers.  


She helped me realize that no matter who tells me I am this or that, none of it matters unless I believe them..Unless I give MY power away.  


I am not giving away my power.  I choose to continue growing and shining--holding my light in reverence.  


On this special day of thanking mothers everywhere, I thank MY mother and myself--for EVERYTHING--the struggles, the laughter, the tears and rejection.  ALL OF IT!  For without her and our life together, I would not be HERE in this life that I am creating.  I LOVE IT and am so grateful for the start she gave me.  


I recently took a writing class where we created poetry from words in our journal.  I have been experimenting with this more and more and have been enjoying the release it provides.  I write a lot about my mom and my kids and this wonderful, crazy life that has sprouted up in the middle of nowhere.  


This is my tribute to my mother--it is simple and just right for what I need at this moment in my life.  I wish you the perfect celebration for YOU--You deserve everything and anything you can dream!

You birthed me in hope and held me with wonder

When I was small and innocent

You talked to me about dreams

And lovingly planted beautiful possibilities

In small, fertile corners of my self

Places I would later uncover

like hidden treasure

I cherish this tarnished, forgotten gold

I unwrap these pieces of YOU

Every day

Unexpectedly finding your strength

Your belief in me—in everything I am and will be

I feel your love and savor the embrace

You send on the wind

I notice the energy of your hands

Guiding mine in the Earth

Together we plant again

Seeds of hope

And love eternal   


Namaste.

The other morning, I was awakened by my angel girl early.  She was upset because she had had an accident in bed.  She hasn't done that before and needed help and reassurance.  I told her to go into the bathroom and we would wash her up and then work together to get the sheet and pillowcases off.  


She was as tired as I and confused by what had happened.  I just hugged her and told her that accidents occur all the time and that she had done a great job coming to get me and helping me pull everything off the bed.  I helped her into clean clothes and then she came and snuggled in our bed.  

I stroked her hair and told her how much I loved her and she leaned into me and kissed my cheek sleepily.  "Thank you, mother.  I love you so much."  She looked like she was going to close her eyes and fall asleep, but instead she asked quietly, "Am I OK?  Why did I have an accident?"  

I asked her if anything hurt or didn't feel right and she said, "No.  I feel OK."  I asked if she had a dream that scared her or made it difficult to wake up and she didn't answer right away.  Then she said, "I want to keep that for myself.  Is that OK?"  

I assured her, "Of course that's OK, honey...a dream could maybe cause you to have an accident, though.  Sometimes I have dreams and I don't want to wake up and other times, I get so scared by my dreams that I yell and talk out loud and Dada has to wake me.  That can be upsetting.  Dreams are nice to hold inside because they are yours, but if you ever want to talk to me about your dream or anything else, that's what I am here for--to listen and help you where and how I can.  OK?"

She nodded her head and smiled at me and I kissed her and told her to go to sleep--that it was early and that we were both still tired.  She snuggled her little body next to mine and we drifted off, warm and comfy.  The last thought I had, made me smile..."I am so lucky to have her for a daughter, and it makes it easy to respond to her in a way that is loving, kind and safe.  I am a good mom."

That thought, in and of itself, made me really happy because my mom never snuggled with me in bed or told me it was OK to have accidents or encouraged me to keep some of my dreams to myself and to share them when I wanted...she would have had a polar opposite response to everything I told my daughter...and thank goodness!  If she wouldn't have, maybe I wouldn't be the mother I am.  Who knows.  I just felt really GRATEFUL and filled with love.

This makes more and more sense to me lately...and it makes all the difference in my life...when I do things from love, whether it be washing clothes, kids' faces, yoga mats or my inner thoughts, everything is easier and more joyful. My life FLOWS. 

When I operate from my ego, I feel anxious, afraid, upset and the flow is disrupted and stilted. 

Love matters--not just the romantic kind that makes your heart skip and race or the paternal kind that consumes you with awe and vulnerability, but all of it--the love that appreciates each moment and person on our path, the love that helps us see beauty and similarity in all yet makes space for the uniqueness to flourish but not overrun. 

Today; pause and breathe for a moment before moving forward or responding to anything or anyone.  Surround yourself with love and then extend that same love outwardly.  Make note of any difference in your experience. Namaste.

Real conversations...

Our youngest (he just turned three and is ALL BOY) had HORRIBLE gas yesterday.

Every five minutes he would say, "Me tooted...and again, and again me tooted.  Escue me, escue me, escue me, Mama!"

Sometimes, he would try to sneak it out and wouldn't say anything, but then our daughter would dramatically say, "Did you toot AGAIN?!  I am going to DIE, Mama!  Make him go on a time out."  This caused him to be outraged and say to her, "Me not go on a timeout.  Me not naughty...me just TOOTING!  EBREEONE, TOOTS!"  So then she said, "But not like THAT.  I can't breathe!  I'm not going to play with you anymore."  Disappointed by this threat and a little nervous, he said, "Me sorry."  So we had to have a conversation about how it is OK to toot, but it is more polite to do it in the bathroom.

I went and got some air freshener to lighten the air and they went off  to play again until the fragrance wasn't there anymore, but another not-so-pleasant smell was...

and so it continued throughout the day...

The day before the tooting conversation, when we took a drive to Sendik's to get veggies for juicing, my husband ran in and I waited in the car with the kids (if you have three or more kids, you will probably understand why we do this--it IS to save our sanity).  While we were waiting for "Dada" to get back, our youngest (Little Shrek) saw someone coming--a man who had parked next to us--and he wanted me to roll the window down so he could talk to him.

Our eldest said to him, "He's a stranger!"  Our daughter (Miss A.) chimed in, "You don't just start talking to someone you don't know.  You're a stranger to him."  Little Shrek was indignant, "Me not a stranger.  I'm Little Shrek.  Der's Mama and Dada's in da store."  Miss A. repeated impatiently, "YOU are a STRANGER to HIM!  Weren't you listening to anything I said to you?"  Little Shrek thought about it for a moment and then said, "But, if Mama rolls down da window and me say 'Hi, I'm Little Shrek' to him, den he's not a stranger anymore.  So, Mama...can you roll down da window?"

I couldn't possibly make these conversations up.

Strong and Resilient

My Medicine Wheel Garden, at The Soul Source, is a constant source of inspiration and beauty to me.

I took this picture shortly after the torrential rain this week when my daffodils were knocked over and pelted down...but still blooming. 

 
I hope you do the same--even when you feel like lying down and giving up, think of this beautiful flower and decide to RISE AGAIN. Shine your light and stay stong! Namaste.

Flying & Traipsing Along

Have you ever had this kind of day?  Where something wonderful lifts you up and you feel proud and relieved and HAPPY?   You just float along--flying through your day...until you run into a cloud or a brick wall?  You come down fast and feel yourself for a while dragging and traipsing--still a bit high and grateful from flying, but feeling somewhat dazed and heavy?  That is the kind of day I had yesterday.

It has been a long and eventful year with our eldest being in public school for the first time.  Many times, I am GRATEFUL beyond words for the progress in social skills we have see in him.  His teacher is very responsive, patient and real which is what he needs.  However, I have to say, I have also had more than one conversation with my husband about how effective the public educational system is..or is NOT. 

The teachers are overwhelmed with getting kids to pass tests instead of gaining life skills, looming budget cuts and changing tax regulations that take away a lot of writeoffs they could make in the past, and that doesn't even begin to encompass the babysitting and parenting they are having to do for absent or completely bewildered parents.   

I tried to volunteer, but decided not to bother when the background check process took over 3 months and would have COST ME $40.00.  So our son's class is still without a volunteer.  No wonder teachers need three months off--they would probably all have nervous breakdowns without the time away.

As a result, we have been toying with the idea of homeschooling or doing a Virtual Academy again because it seems every day our son comes home with more frowny faces than smilely and a list of everything he did wrong instead of right.  PLUS, in the car, on the drive home, when he is safe and warm and unraveling the stories and experiences from the day, we inevitably hear about how some other student has hit, kicked or punched him AND gotten away with it, because the same kid has convinced him that if he tells the teacher, he is a tattletale. 

This is only the 1st grade, too!  What kind of stories will I be regaled with when he is a teenager and there are hormones AND crappy parenting skills at work? 

Anyhow, it was a BIG deal when he was able to make a decision for HIMSELF recently AND feel good about it.  He wanted to get a Lego game and I told him that would be fine if he wanted to take $ out of his piggy bank to buy it.  He was very sure of himself and his decision until we had paid for his game and were walking out the store.  That's when he started to cry and said, "I want both--the game and the Angry Birds t-shirt." 

We sat down and had a wonderfully insightful and mature conversation where he lamented, "I don't know how to make decisions.  What should I do?"  I folded him into my arms and whispered, "Life is FILLED with decisions and only YOU can make the BEST decision for you.  Mama can help give you ideas and listen, but ultimately, YOU need to choose what YOU want."

After he calmed down and talked about his options, he decided to put the game back and get the Angry Bird t-shirt.  It didn't cost him anything (it cost me something) and he can save his $ for something he REALLY wants!  We returned the game and paid for the shirt.  When we were done with the transaction, he gave me a watery smile and said, "I think I made a good decision."  I told him, "I think you made a GREAT decision!  I am so proud of you!"  He was proud of himself, too.

I rode this high until yesterday afternoon, when he got out of school and told me that he had refused to read to one of his classmates.  I didn't crash down, but I was pretty deflated.  He told me, as we sat on the playground bench and discussed the situation, that he was afraid to read to a boy in his class because he's sick and bruised and he didn't want to get that way, too.  Oh, gosh...

Disappointment and empathy mingled together.  This little boy is sick and bruised and he is only a few months older than my son...It was unkind behavior but, illness can be a really scary thing for young kids. 

We spent a good deal of time talking about how there are LOTS of different people everywhere.  We reminded him that he can act a LOT differently than other kids sometimes and that, when they are unkind to HIM, it hurts his feelings and makes him feel really sad and alone.  These conversations were eye-opening for him...and for us. 

I said on FB, "Today wasn't the best day for our eldest...it provided us all with a wonderful learning opportunity so, I guess, in essence it was a REALLY GOOD day. I know this sounds confusing, but it makes perfect sense to me." 

I guess that's what I meant about "Flying and Traipsing Along."  Life is like this...You soar and then tumble, you have extreme clarity and then are overwhelmed with confusion, you are high and then low.  I think the lesson is not in how to avoid these situations, but how to smooth and polish them out a bit so the ride isn't so extreme.  I am learning how to pull in my wings a little when I am flying and pick my feet up when I am stumbling along so I can even everything out.  Hope you are finding your way, too.