If you are looking to do something totally wonderful for yourself, try out Koha Yoga--Koha means "gift" in the Maori language, and it certainly was that to everyone who came tonight to the Flying Yoga Partner Workshop.  I laughed and sighed, was still and breathed deeply.  My body released and I was able to surrender to and deeply enjoy the moment of being cared for by someone else.  It was lovely!

Here are some pictures from the workshop.  Everyone said they enjoyed it immensely and were going to leave feeling more empowered by their strength and aware of the duality of male and female characteristics and how both are so crucial to balance.

Here is Ms. Mary Buth enjoying the support and freedom of flying with Sara Laimon Luke of Koha Yoga.  She also said, Coming to The Soul Source tonight--just being here--is the highlight of my week."  I made me just MELT with gratitude and love!  

There are so many incredible participants and instructors that are at The Soul Source, and I am just grateful that I get to be a witness to the opening, healing and transformation that takes place in so many lives when they throw off the shackles and burdens of a past that no longer serves them.

Check out this beautiful sequence that Whaka and Anna (a new participant who came with Robert) did at the end of the class.  Anna had never done this before, but her body and soul seemed to know instinctively what to do.  It was like watching a graceful dance at Cirque du Soleil.

John and I were able to attend the workshop together--which was a gift in and of itself--and John was so amazed that Whaka could fly him.  Whaka described my husband as a "giant of a man."  He is tall and strong and pretty flexible for a guy.  However, he tends to be a TYPE A person, and has a difficult time trusting others--especially when that person is smaller and is supposed to support his heavier frame in the air with only his legs.  Whaka spun him and dipped him like he was a small toy.  It was SO cool to see.

As for me, I don't think I will need to go to the chiropractor as often, if John and I can get the flow down that Sara and Whaka showed us.  My neck and shoulders were SO relaxed when I was hanging upside down like a noodle waiting to dry.  It was wonderful and, as you can see, I felt GREAT by the end of the workshop.  John and I thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and we would recommend this workshop and Koha Yoga to everyone.

Check out their website and blog (http://www.kohayoga.com/about/).  Sara and Whaka are a huge gift, as is the practice that they teach you.  Sleep well.  Namaste.

GREAT MORNING!  I had an amazing dream about an eagle and my mom last night.  An eagle had been hurt nearby so it's wing was badaged up and brought to our house to rest.  She was lying on the floor sleeping with my dog and I was stroking her feathers on top of her head talking to her--coaxing her to get well and LIVE. 

She woke up and looked at me and slowly stood up and followed me.  I backed into a corner, because I tend to have a fear about birds and wasn't sure what she would do because she was hurt and in an unfamilar place. 

Even though my mom passed many years ago, I called out to her for help.  "Mom, the eagle is up!  What do I do?  She's coming toward me.  Can you please me?" 

I was almost surprised when my mother answered from in the kitchen and told me, "Just calm down.  Open the door and give her some space.  She won't hurt you.  She will follow you.  Come out here."

This was even more strange, because my mother was calm and not yelling--she was being kind and patient and it helped me to feel confident and more relaxed.

I opened the door and walked into the kitchen where my mother stood--clear as the day, young and beautiful with short, thick hair and cooking in MY kitchen.  I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, because I was so happy to see her in my house, but I was a little sad about not having her in my physical life.  She knew exactly where everything was and where things went--even though she had never been in my kitchen at the farm.  I think this assured me somehow that she never really left. 

Then I remembered the eagle and that it was behind me on the floor.  My mom, laughed a little, "You're still afraid of birds, Jenny."  It was a comment, not a judgement and I smiled and nodded.  I don't know why.  I like watching them and seeing them.  They are beautiful and fast, they fly and soar and dart here and there.  They are spectacular.  They also seem unpredictable and the larger ones, like the eagle and hawk, are so powerful.  I am uncertain what they will do and I don't like that.

She went in the drawer and got some pot holders to put on her arm.  Then she told me to go make a nest somewhere in the addition for the eagle so it could be safe and warm.  I nodded and started to turn before stopping and looking back at her.  It was if she read my mind and knew how much I wanted to talk to her and tell her about my kids and life...she smiled and said, "the kids are still sleeping so let's do this now and get her settled before they get up and come down the stairs."

Again, that quiet reassurance pushed me forward.  I took the blanket my grandmother had given me (the one she used to cover us in when we were sick) and wound it into a nest of healing for the eagle.  The blanket means so much to me but I knew it was important to offer up something I loved for this majestic animal teacher--to give away so I could receive.

My mother walked in with the eagle perched on her arm--the talons biting into the pot holders (isn't that a funny image?)  She bent over and gently let the eagle settle into the arm chair with the nested blanket.  The eagle bowed her head down and tucked it into her wing for a moment and then lifted her head and looked at me.  I slowly reached over and stroked her head again.  She closed her eyes as I did this and I received a message of trust--that she trusted me and would allow me to care for her until she was well. 

My mom got up and said, "Eagle medicine is a huge gift.  She has come to you for a reason.  You can heal together.  She will teach you to not be afraid and you can give her love--you are very good at that." 

I heard the kids waking up and the phone rang.  I didn't want the moment with the eagle and my mom to end, but she smiled encouragingly and I woke up. 

the phone was ringing...my husband was calling to make sure I was up.  He is so sweet and concerned that way.  I am lucky.  I told him about the dream and he listened.

When I hung up, I wanted to rush to go look up Eagle in Ted Andrew's Animal Speak book, but I didn't.  I had already heard myself tell some of the dream and I wanted to ask MY wise self what the message was.  Even now, as I type, I get more insight from myself and my surroundings.  I just related my dream to my dad and, when I stopped to wipe away the tears that came, he said, "Eagle was your mother's totem in woodbadge.  I was the bobwhite and she was eagle."  How wonderful that the messages and lessons continue to come even after the dream--spirit is not limited to a physical place so I try to remember to be aware always.

For now, I am going to rest.  I will let go of fear and allow myself to soar--to claim my spiritual gifts and power.  I will work with the eagle totem and offer blessings and love to her.  That is what I am doing more and more--I give of what I have and open up to receive gifts from others.  It is a beautiful reciprocal process of purpose and meaning and it is always perfect.

Just like my life--when I calm and move forward with trust and faith, all is well.  I hope you are, too.

Tonight is also Koha Flying Yoga--Partner Workshop--Eagle medicine will be helpful to me today.  You could come and use it, too.

Namaste.

This is what horses ALWAYS remind me of. I LOVE horses, but sometimes I feel frightened by them. What does that say to you? To me, it indicates, that I LOVE my freedom, but that I also feel intimidated by it at times and so I choose to remain entrenched where I am--imagining where this "freedom horse" could take me instead of climbing on and racing into the wind. Interesting...

Happy Wednesday!  Today, I am expressing gratitude for our well and the water it is providing to our gardens and trees.

It has become a daily ritual of care for me--get up and water, greet and talk to the ancient apple trees that were here when my grandparents bought Maryacres--coaxing them to continue living--and then doing the same for all the new bushes and trees we have planted since we moved in.  I carry the water in buckets we found buried in the barn, imagining what it was like when life was more simple and focused on the land.  It seems more reverent and it is obviously better exercise for me.

After this, the kids and I do yoga on one of the decks--I am teaching them to do some sun salutations so they can be a bit more centered as we venture out into our day.  The new deck in front of the house is spacious and open and we LOVE it.  It is also shaded and there is usually a breeze that drifts over us from the MAGNIFICENT maple tree my uncle planted years and years ago.  It, too, is a gift to us.

What gifts from the earth do you enjoy every day?  How are you giving back to this spectacular land and making it more beautiful?  

I feel so empowered and happy when I am outside and connected somehow to the Earth--to the dirt in my gardens, to the rough bark on the trees, to the animals and wildflowers.  By watering, walking on and talking to the land and feeding it and its creatures, I see myself inside that beautiful circle of life.  It isn't a lot, but my actions matter and they make a difference.

Know that yours do, also.  You and your relationship to the world around you is important.  Take time today to BE with the land...to ground yourself in its power and allow your spirit to sky into the sky.

Namaste.

I think I shared that I recently (within the past two months) got a cell phone for the first time in 4 YEARS!  Yes, that is right, I said 4 YEARS--we were WITHOUT a cell phone, track phone or any other type of mobile device AND we survived!  I think I heard you gasp.

I like the security of having a phone with me in the car when I am out and about driving with the kids.  You never know when you might need to call someone about something...I enjoy being able to call from the store to see if we need more than just a gallon of milk.  I also LOVE being able to capture cute pictures of my kids and interesting things that I see WITHOUT having to cart my digital camera around.  Plus, if there is an emergency or I am delayed by something unexpected, I can pull over and call 911 or my family.  It is nice.

That said, it is taking FOREVER to get up and running!  I feel like such a novice--I think that is my kind word for "CLUELESS!"

For instance, I STILL have not figured out how to load apps on my phone.  Like GPS, FB or Meetup...


What are YOUR favorite apps that you CAN'T live without?  I would LOVE to hear about them and learn how to better use this device--so tell me what you did to best set up and utilize your "smart" phone.  


A friend of mine suggested I have my niece or nephew help me--they are in their teens and LIVE and BREATHE with their cell phone and its applications.  I thought that was a really good idea.  They could also probably set up some AWESOME yoga playlists for me, too.


Here is a link to one application I would like to load soon!  I LOVE supporting local businesses and think this movement is wonderful:


http://www.the350project.net/look_local_home.html


I guess, all in all, I am OK with not knowing about this stuff.  It forces me to ask for help--another thing I am working on--allowing others to assist me--to appreciate the skills and talents in other people around me and being open to RECEIVE their expertise and generous offer of insight and support.  So, I'll just reiterate: I welcome any helpful ideas and suggestions you have!  


I hope you are also stretching and reaching out to things that make you feel uncomfortable--those things that are just out of your reach and make you squirm a little with wonder and fear.  It gets back to what we talk about in yoga class--finding your "edge."  That place where you feel the intensity of living and breathing fully in the moment--it is uncomfortable and unnerving, but it isn't painful or overwhelming.  

In fact, when you find that edge and take time to explore it, you may feel EXHILARATION!  Savor that and all the other blessings in your life.  


Namaste.   

I have been really aware of this quote lately--on the mat and off. We have been working on a bunch of projects around the house so everything is a disaster and the yard looks like something out of an old Sanford and Son episode. When I drive around town, I see dry, but well-manicured lawns and front porches and it can be difficult to NOT COMPARE...to feel that small bubble of anxiety and voice of criticism slowly surfacing--do you know the one? That voice that says, "Your family is strange and your house looks junky and you are not one of US?" I hear this same voice on the mat sometimes. It whispers and flashes images of people who are thinner and prettier and more athletic, and the joy I feel in practicing yoga and meditating begins to slowly deflate or my breath becomes fast and worried. Does this happen to you?

It used to happen to me ALL the time--before I found meditation, went to therapy, started practicing yoga and having acupuncture. It has been a long and winding road of forgiveness and shedding, and I am sure that process will continue throughout my whole life. I WANT IT TO CONTINUE, because that means I am letting go of comparison and accepting and embracing ME and MY LIFE.

So now, when I hear those voices in my head or see those images, I STOP and I BREATHE. I breathe in love and breathe out judgement. I look at my mat and my life as a canvas upon which I can create MY LIFE AND PRACTICE--no one else's. Just mine. If the life I create inspires or uplifts others to do the same, that is wonderful, but it is NOT my purpose. Mine is to create and not compare. Enjoy creating your life today. Namaste.

Getting lost in my thoughts isn't so bad...

I have noticed lately that I REALLY NEED to be outside. 

To touch the earth with my hands and knees, to run my fingertips over the soft petals of a flower or the rough bark of a tree.  I have a desire to GROUND myself...to get out of my analytical brain and instead breathe and feel my body moving with the swaying of the branches overhead or the song of the cranes in the field. 

I spend too much time on the computer--updating my website, posting notices to facebook, pinning something to Pinterest, scheduling something on Meetup or working in publisher to create a calendar or poster. 

I LIKE doing these things--I'm not trying to mislead you--I like the creative aspects and instant feedback and gratification of reaching someone in cyberspace...writing something that resonates with another human being.

However, these are not thoughts for myself...they are not my musings, inspirations, hopes and secret wishes.  They are like a business card I staple to a bulletin board in a coffee house...something interesting and eye-catching, but not ME.  Does that make sense? 

Often, I go outside to be with myself and to go within.  I feel my stillness and notice where I am holding back--tears, anger, disappointment, joy, excitement...things that I am afraid to shed completely in front of my kids, dad and husband.

I go outside to be more connected to the wildness inside of me--to that being of freedom and forests, of fireflies and flowers...beautiful and imperfect, yet splendid BECAUSE of the glorious edges and darkness.

I like to wander and stop.  To sit on the grass or a large, flat rock and think.  I am reminded of how when I teach yoga, I am present and in the practice for OTHERS, but it is not my own.  I can't just close my eyes and listen to my breath and allow it to help stretch my leg or lengthen my side or release my shoulders.  I am thinking and explaining, watching and sensing, giving feedback and adjustments.

It is the same when I am at home, working on my business and being a mom.  It isn't MY time--it is doing for others and being present for them, and I LOVE it...but I NEED to get outside or to be away for a moment and have my "on-the-mat" time.

What do you do to connect with your truest and deepest self?  Do you do it enough?  How can you find more time to get on your mat and practice being with YOU?

Reading and writing is another thing I do for ME.  I like to go out for coffee or just wander through goodwill or steins and imagine things I can create or plant or wear just for ME.  I find the more time I set aside to get LOST within myself, the less LOST I am in my life.  I have more clarity and direction, more purpose and priority.

I hope you are making time this weekend, with all the doing and going, to get out alone and just LOSE yourself in YOU!  What a grand Memorial Holiday that will be!

Namaste.

Making time for the small things in life...

A sweet Mama has moved in at Maryacres.  It is Robin--a silly, innocent mother who has found a place to build her nest right under our noses. 

She scared the daylights out of me one night a few weeks ago when I came home after teaching class--it was dark and the porch light came on as I moved toward the front door.  She bolted and fluttered back and forth protectively around her nest until I moved away.  


After about ten minutes of shooing and smacking mosquitoes, I made a quick dash to the door while she stood near her nest, looking up at the light as if in a trance.

I LOVE robins and have spent numerous spring and summer days looking for nests and the pale, pretty blue eggs.  They symbolize rebirth and renewal--hope and joy springing up in every corner of the land--and gratitude for a time to recharge and explore. 

So--you can imagine how happy I was to get this picture and the ones below of Robin and her little babies.  When Robin is out and about looking for food, I carefully creep to the cabinet, pull up a box on which to stand (I am vertically challenged, you know) and then raise the camera carefully over the nest to take the pictures.

As the weeks have passed, Robin has become more accustomed to the dogs and us coming and going, yelling, barking, laughing and moving around.  She has been a good mother--gathering and sitting, warming and then leaving, returning with things to give comfort and nourishment to her small chicks. 

I admire her and her patience and tenacity.  I admire how she focuses on the small things that need to be done to survive and thrive in our world, but I also LOVE how she knows how and when to rest.  She flits and flies here and there diligently digging and protecting, and then gently drops food into her chicks' open and awaiting mouths.  It is a LOT of work, but she doesn't complain or let up.  Instead, she settles down over the chicks to keep them warm and safe.  It is beautiful and comforting to see.  


I watch her when she is gone, too, and see how, when she is away from the nest, she also takes time for herself--to clean her feathers, to grab food for herself, to sit on the roof of the smokehouse and sun herself.  It is an important reminder to me and ALL mothers.  Take time for YOU.  MAKE TIME!  We are all better and more loving when we do.  We are able to mentor our children in how to live WELL in this world--instead of JUST survive.

There were originally three small chicks in the nest, and seeing them reminded me again of my own situation--we have three kids whom I adore and upon which I dote--I spend an inordinate amount of time gathering and preparing food, helping them test their wings in the world, making sure they feel safe and confident--LOVED!  I can't imagine my life without any of them and their unique personalities and gifts.  I am so blessed.

Sadly, though, our Robin now only has 2 babies. The dogs unfortunately startled one out of the nest this week and it didn't make it. It broke my heart so see it laying on the ground so still and stiff.  Part of my universal mother wisdom cried out at Robin's loss and I wanted to do something to comfort her.  We had a ritual to celebrate her baby's life and how it had touched ours.

Little Shrek, Miss A., John and I wrapped the small, soft bird in a piece of old flannel sheet with roses on it and then tied the bundle together with a blue ribbon. We dug a hole near Mowgli (our lab, who died and is buried behind the house in a small clearing in the trees) and placed her beautiful, small body in the ground.

The kids said blessings of "I wish you were still alive, but since you aren't, I hope you get lots of big worms and juicy 'drubs' in Heaven with the angels." We put pine cones and flowers on top of the grave and wished her sweet chick happy flight.

I will ALWAYS remember this small moment with my kids because it was so special and filled with love--the love I have been feeding and nurturing them with.  It was kind and sweet and a perfect reflection of my "mothering."

I saw in that moment that they are learning even the tiniest of "God's creatures" matter--as does their life and how we honor it. 

It made me smile and know that my "chicks" are growing up and will leave the nest soon enough.  It also has encouraged me to STOP and cherish more of the small, seemingly inconsequential moments in our life together.

What are doing to welcome and honor the teachers who show up on your front porch?  How are you "mothering" yourself and others in your life?

Remember the small moments and enjoy the life you are weaving with them.

Namaste.

Taking my yoga practice outside to garden...

Did you get outside yesterday?  It was a SPECTACULAR specimen of Wisconsin weather and a great reminder about why I LOVE living here!  With a light breeze and the mist from the hose, the kids and I barely noticed it was in the eighties...and my eldest, who is off of school for the week because he has suspicious whooping cough symptoms, commented cheerfully, "All the other kids in my class have school today, but I get to be outside in the sunshine.  This is best part of my day."

We have been cooped up inside resting in jammies for the past few days, so I told them it was time to get out in the fresh air.  It feels so amazingly wonderful to be alive on days like yesterday--you sweat, your skin flushes, and you breathe deeply while you listen to the cardinals and robins singing and the wind blowing in the maple leaves overhead. 

This setting is what I imagine many times in my meditations...a perfect place of peace and calm...well, almost.  It was soon interupted by the kids screaming and fighting, squealing and laughing, dogs barking and running and bikers, buses and mopeds moving by...you know, normal day to day distractions.

When I continued to breathe and sink my hands into the earth to plant new vegetables and happy marigolds, these sounds melded quickly into the background and it was again relaxing and calming.  Are you like this?  Do you, too, need to be outside, connected to the Earth and its grounding richness? 

I think of yoga as I am working--how my hands are like my feet, when I am down on my knees--grounding me and connecting me to my source.  I love the solid strength I feel in my palms as I press down and I often arch my back into cat as I move down the row--just stretching and breathing so I don't get stiff or sore.

Here are some pictures of what I am doing--just cleaning up and using spaces around the buildings at the farm...remembering as I dig, the many times I did the same thing with my grandmother in the same spaces.


Digging and pulling, planting and watering, watching and waiting for things to bloom and flourish.  I channel her sweet spirit and devotion to this land and farm with everything I do lately and it makes me so wonderfully happy and content. 

I hope you are finding joy in these late spring/early summer days.  They are magical and precious and they pass too quickly if you don't make time to stop and savor them.

Happy Mother's Day!

This is a picture of my mother, when she was young.  


I carry it with me as a reminder of who I am and how every moment I can choose to grow and share my light and love or let that light slowly go out--dampened by guilt, anger, disappointment and fear.  


My mother was an amazing woman and teacher--something I didn't really realize until much later, years after she had died.  


She was funny and smart and so pretty.  She was incredibly talented and hard working and did a lot in the community and our family to make it beautiful and better.  


She was also an abusive alcoholic, riddled with regret for a life she had wanted but didn't find.  


I used to think she was horribly mean and weak.  I was angry at her for abandoning us again by dying at such a young age.  But, all of those thoughts and feelings now seem judgmental and small.  


She died at the perfect time for her soul.  Her disease was just one part of her--it did NOT define who she was or how she is remembered.  


When I speak to my children about her, I am candid yet loving.  She was an INCREDIBLE woman who gave much of herself to others.  She raised strong, intelligent and hard-working children--who sometimes struggle with issues of not being good enough...but these are OUR challenges--not hers.  


She helped me realize that no matter who tells me I am this or that, none of it matters unless I believe them..Unless I give MY power away.  


I am not giving away my power.  I choose to continue growing and shining--holding my light in reverence.  


On this special day of thanking mothers everywhere, I thank MY mother and myself--for EVERYTHING--the struggles, the laughter, the tears and rejection.  ALL OF IT!  For without her and our life together, I would not be HERE in this life that I am creating.  I LOVE IT and am so grateful for the start she gave me.  


I recently took a writing class where we created poetry from words in our journal.  I have been experimenting with this more and more and have been enjoying the release it provides.  I write a lot about my mom and my kids and this wonderful, crazy life that has sprouted up in the middle of nowhere.  


This is my tribute to my mother--it is simple and just right for what I need at this moment in my life.  I wish you the perfect celebration for YOU--You deserve everything and anything you can dream!

You birthed me in hope and held me with wonder

When I was small and innocent

You talked to me about dreams

And lovingly planted beautiful possibilities

In small, fertile corners of my self

Places I would later uncover

like hidden treasure

I cherish this tarnished, forgotten gold

I unwrap these pieces of YOU

Every day

Unexpectedly finding your strength

Your belief in me—in everything I am and will be

I feel your love and savor the embrace

You send on the wind

I notice the energy of your hands

Guiding mine in the Earth

Together we plant again

Seeds of hope

And love eternal   


Namaste.

The other morning, I was awakened by my angel girl early.  She was upset because she had had an accident in bed.  She hasn't done that before and needed help and reassurance.  I told her to go into the bathroom and we would wash her up and then work together to get the sheet and pillowcases off.  


She was as tired as I and confused by what had happened.  I just hugged her and told her that accidents occur all the time and that she had done a great job coming to get me and helping me pull everything off the bed.  I helped her into clean clothes and then she came and snuggled in our bed.  

I stroked her hair and told her how much I loved her and she leaned into me and kissed my cheek sleepily.  "Thank you, mother.  I love you so much."  She looked like she was going to close her eyes and fall asleep, but instead she asked quietly, "Am I OK?  Why did I have an accident?"  

I asked her if anything hurt or didn't feel right and she said, "No.  I feel OK."  I asked if she had a dream that scared her or made it difficult to wake up and she didn't answer right away.  Then she said, "I want to keep that for myself.  Is that OK?"  

I assured her, "Of course that's OK, honey...a dream could maybe cause you to have an accident, though.  Sometimes I have dreams and I don't want to wake up and other times, I get so scared by my dreams that I yell and talk out loud and Dada has to wake me.  That can be upsetting.  Dreams are nice to hold inside because they are yours, but if you ever want to talk to me about your dream or anything else, that's what I am here for--to listen and help you where and how I can.  OK?"

She nodded her head and smiled at me and I kissed her and told her to go to sleep--that it was early and that we were both still tired.  She snuggled her little body next to mine and we drifted off, warm and comfy.  The last thought I had, made me smile..."I am so lucky to have her for a daughter, and it makes it easy to respond to her in a way that is loving, kind and safe.  I am a good mom."

That thought, in and of itself, made me really happy because my mom never snuggled with me in bed or told me it was OK to have accidents or encouraged me to keep some of my dreams to myself and to share them when I wanted...she would have had a polar opposite response to everything I told my daughter...and thank goodness!  If she wouldn't have, maybe I wouldn't be the mother I am.  Who knows.  I just felt really GRATEFUL and filled with love.

This makes more and more sense to me lately...and it makes all the difference in my life...when I do things from love, whether it be washing clothes, kids' faces, yoga mats or my inner thoughts, everything is easier and more joyful. My life FLOWS. 

When I operate from my ego, I feel anxious, afraid, upset and the flow is disrupted and stilted. 

Love matters--not just the romantic kind that makes your heart skip and race or the paternal kind that consumes you with awe and vulnerability, but all of it--the love that appreciates each moment and person on our path, the love that helps us see beauty and similarity in all yet makes space for the uniqueness to flourish but not overrun. 

Today; pause and breathe for a moment before moving forward or responding to anything or anyone.  Surround yourself with love and then extend that same love outwardly.  Make note of any difference in your experience. Namaste.

Real conversations...

Our youngest (he just turned three and is ALL BOY) had HORRIBLE gas yesterday.

Every five minutes he would say, "Me tooted...and again, and again me tooted.  Escue me, escue me, escue me, Mama!"

Sometimes, he would try to sneak it out and wouldn't say anything, but then our daughter would dramatically say, "Did you toot AGAIN?!  I am going to DIE, Mama!  Make him go on a time out."  This caused him to be outraged and say to her, "Me not go on a timeout.  Me not naughty...me just TOOTING!  EBREEONE, TOOTS!"  So then she said, "But not like THAT.  I can't breathe!  I'm not going to play with you anymore."  Disappointed by this threat and a little nervous, he said, "Me sorry."  So we had to have a conversation about how it is OK to toot, but it is more polite to do it in the bathroom.

I went and got some air freshener to lighten the air and they went off  to play again until the fragrance wasn't there anymore, but another not-so-pleasant smell was...

and so it continued throughout the day...

The day before the tooting conversation, when we took a drive to Sendik's to get veggies for juicing, my husband ran in and I waited in the car with the kids (if you have three or more kids, you will probably understand why we do this--it IS to save our sanity).  While we were waiting for "Dada" to get back, our youngest (Little Shrek) saw someone coming--a man who had parked next to us--and he wanted me to roll the window down so he could talk to him.

Our eldest said to him, "He's a stranger!"  Our daughter (Miss A.) chimed in, "You don't just start talking to someone you don't know.  You're a stranger to him."  Little Shrek was indignant, "Me not a stranger.  I'm Little Shrek.  Der's Mama and Dada's in da store."  Miss A. repeated impatiently, "YOU are a STRANGER to HIM!  Weren't you listening to anything I said to you?"  Little Shrek thought about it for a moment and then said, "But, if Mama rolls down da window and me say 'Hi, I'm Little Shrek' to him, den he's not a stranger anymore.  So, Mama...can you roll down da window?"

I couldn't possibly make these conversations up.

Strong and Resilient

My Medicine Wheel Garden, at The Soul Source, is a constant source of inspiration and beauty to me.

I took this picture shortly after the torrential rain this week when my daffodils were knocked over and pelted down...but still blooming. 

 
I hope you do the same--even when you feel like lying down and giving up, think of this beautiful flower and decide to RISE AGAIN. Shine your light and stay stong! Namaste.

Flying & Traipsing Along

Have you ever had this kind of day?  Where something wonderful lifts you up and you feel proud and relieved and HAPPY?   You just float along--flying through your day...until you run into a cloud or a brick wall?  You come down fast and feel yourself for a while dragging and traipsing--still a bit high and grateful from flying, but feeling somewhat dazed and heavy?  That is the kind of day I had yesterday.

It has been a long and eventful year with our eldest being in public school for the first time.  Many times, I am GRATEFUL beyond words for the progress in social skills we have see in him.  His teacher is very responsive, patient and real which is what he needs.  However, I have to say, I have also had more than one conversation with my husband about how effective the public educational system is..or is NOT. 

The teachers are overwhelmed with getting kids to pass tests instead of gaining life skills, looming budget cuts and changing tax regulations that take away a lot of writeoffs they could make in the past, and that doesn't even begin to encompass the babysitting and parenting they are having to do for absent or completely bewildered parents.   

I tried to volunteer, but decided not to bother when the background check process took over 3 months and would have COST ME $40.00.  So our son's class is still without a volunteer.  No wonder teachers need three months off--they would probably all have nervous breakdowns without the time away.

As a result, we have been toying with the idea of homeschooling or doing a Virtual Academy again because it seems every day our son comes home with more frowny faces than smilely and a list of everything he did wrong instead of right.  PLUS, in the car, on the drive home, when he is safe and warm and unraveling the stories and experiences from the day, we inevitably hear about how some other student has hit, kicked or punched him AND gotten away with it, because the same kid has convinced him that if he tells the teacher, he is a tattletale. 

This is only the 1st grade, too!  What kind of stories will I be regaled with when he is a teenager and there are hormones AND crappy parenting skills at work? 

Anyhow, it was a BIG deal when he was able to make a decision for HIMSELF recently AND feel good about it.  He wanted to get a Lego game and I told him that would be fine if he wanted to take $ out of his piggy bank to buy it.  He was very sure of himself and his decision until we had paid for his game and were walking out the store.  That's when he started to cry and said, "I want both--the game and the Angry Birds t-shirt." 

We sat down and had a wonderfully insightful and mature conversation where he lamented, "I don't know how to make decisions.  What should I do?"  I folded him into my arms and whispered, "Life is FILLED with decisions and only YOU can make the BEST decision for you.  Mama can help give you ideas and listen, but ultimately, YOU need to choose what YOU want."

After he calmed down and talked about his options, he decided to put the game back and get the Angry Bird t-shirt.  It didn't cost him anything (it cost me something) and he can save his $ for something he REALLY wants!  We returned the game and paid for the shirt.  When we were done with the transaction, he gave me a watery smile and said, "I think I made a good decision."  I told him, "I think you made a GREAT decision!  I am so proud of you!"  He was proud of himself, too.

I rode this high until yesterday afternoon, when he got out of school and told me that he had refused to read to one of his classmates.  I didn't crash down, but I was pretty deflated.  He told me, as we sat on the playground bench and discussed the situation, that he was afraid to read to a boy in his class because he's sick and bruised and he didn't want to get that way, too.  Oh, gosh...

Disappointment and empathy mingled together.  This little boy is sick and bruised and he is only a few months older than my son...It was unkind behavior but, illness can be a really scary thing for young kids. 

We spent a good deal of time talking about how there are LOTS of different people everywhere.  We reminded him that he can act a LOT differently than other kids sometimes and that, when they are unkind to HIM, it hurts his feelings and makes him feel really sad and alone.  These conversations were eye-opening for him...and for us. 

I said on FB, "Today wasn't the best day for our eldest...it provided us all with a wonderful learning opportunity so, I guess, in essence it was a REALLY GOOD day. I know this sounds confusing, but it makes perfect sense to me." 

I guess that's what I meant about "Flying and Traipsing Along."  Life is like this...You soar and then tumble, you have extreme clarity and then are overwhelmed with confusion, you are high and then low.  I think the lesson is not in how to avoid these situations, but how to smooth and polish them out a bit so the ride isn't so extreme.  I am learning how to pull in my wings a little when I am flying and pick my feet up when I am stumbling along so I can even everything out.  Hope you are finding your way, too.

Cake and Communion

I awoke this morning before 5AM--a bad dream that I couldn't shake.  I laid in bed for a while breathing deeply and relaxing my body, but I wasn't tired.  The dream had been so vivid and insistent.  I decided to get up instead and padded downstairs in slippered feet.

I put my shoes on and called our dog down to go outside into the cold spring air.  Together, we walked around in circles on the frosted grass and then moved over to  the compost containers to make an offering of cilantro, carrot and bean tops, squeezed limes and orange pulp.

The sky was the color of a soft summer peach and the frost on the grass sparkled in the fresh morning light.  It was so quiet and peaceful.  I stopped to listen.  The light pecking and pounding of a woodpecker on one of the ancients gathered my attention.  It is a tree of my childhood and a sense of protective pride welled up inside.  I yelled, "Hey," into the chilly morning, but remained anchored where I was, watching the sky turn more dreamy orange.

I ran into the house, calling my dog impatiently in for breakfast and grabbed my camera--afraid the unique palette of color would fade while I was gone.  I took this picture and some others of the crystalized grass and flowers and then sat on the porch stairs and closed my eyes.

In these small moments of breathing and being, I communed with the natural world around me.  I could feel my connection to the earth and sky, to the trees and birds, to the air and animals.  It was tangible and magical and I wanted the sensation to go on forever.  The feeling of cold and wet seeping into my sitting bones from the porch demanded otherwise, though...I decided to go in and commune with some food.

I have been discovering a hidden love for baking and cooking recently--probably because I am making time to explore the possibility of blending and chopping to create edible art.  I made a cinnamon swirl cake with fresh fruit so the kids could have a warm, sweet meal for breakfast and then put the kettle onto boil--tea, that is.  Steeped and served with whole milk or cream (for the boys) or almond or coconut milk (for our girl) it is better than coffee.  Taking that first hot sip of stablizing goodness was my second moment of fleeting communion.  REALLY!  That is what tea does for me...it is immediately grounds and comforts my soul.  Do you have this same addiction?

After breakfast, I went over to do a couple psychic-mediumship readings to benefit the Washington County Humane Society (WCHS).  If you are interested in having me do a reading for you, just call or email The Soul Source and I will get back to you to set something up.  I want to continue practicing my connection to spirit--another deeply gratifying type of communion for me--so that the link comes quickly and effortlessly.  I am asking $10 for a 15 minute psychic card reading or $20.00 for a 30 minute psychic mediumship reading, and I am donating all the proceeds to WCHS.  I felt I received solid evidence for the people who came and I closed up for the day feeling so happy and grateful.

When I got home, the kids and my husband were waiting to go to my niece's 1st Communion party.  What a beautiful vision in white she was--complete with headpiece and freshly wound curls of perfection.  It was a stunning preview of the amazing women she is growing into and will continue to become.  The whole afternoon was saturated with goodness and laughter, with an understanding and acceptance I haven't felt in a while (even with the disagreements we had).  Maybe this feeling comes hand in hand with age--we are all getting older and bearing witness to the unfolding of new generations can be very humbling.

No matter what, these final moments of listening, talking and connecting with my family were so sweet--like the icing on my day cake.  I am full--physically and emotionally--of love, devotion and hope for our future and I want to just say, "Thank you." For everything and everyone in my life.  This seems to be the most simple and perfect way of communing--to express gratitude over and over in words, actions and thoughts.

Thank YOU.  Namaste.

Practicing Warrior

“The art of being a warrior is to balance the wonder and the terror of being alive.”

Carlos Castaneda

I love Warrior I--it is a place of finding balance and comfort--of CLAIMING my own strength.  I like how my hips and chest are open and facing forward...shining a path in front of me.  I enjoy the feeling of tilting my gaze upward to celebrate the infinite expanse of sky and stars and all my ancestors and angels.  

I also like moving back and forth between Warrior I and Pyramid--not just for the intensity and ease, but because doing this reminds me of the need, in life, to bend and sink, lengthen and reach.  Every day.  

While in these poses, I wonder:

"Can I push through a situation by turning my gaze outwardly?" 

or 

"Do I feel like taking a risk and exposing my heart or would it be easier to fold down and breathe into the situation?"  

Yoga is filled with practical insights that relate to many situations in my life and help me cope with them as well.  Yoga teaches me over and over to breathe and notice...to respectfully and mindfully balance on the edge of comfort and intensity...of wonder and terror. 

I inhale and lift--I am strong.  

I exhale and bend--I am resilient.  

I flow back and forth--I am ALIVE.  

Simple Meditation for Releasing Negative Emotions

There are many times throughout the week that I just stop and remind myself to breathe.  Do you ever have those kind of days?  When you are feeling rushed and impatient...when you wish the day was almost over, but know it has just begun?  I allow these moments to happen--I know that.  However, saying that doesn't make them seem any less crazy or real.  


What does, though, is when I hear my daughter say, "Mama, you are yelling...we don't yell."  I immediately stop and breathe...deeply and slowly.

It is in these moments, I realize the physical characteristics of tension--my shoulders are hiked up to my ears, my face feels warm, my breath is shallow and more rapid...I am STRESSED.  Usually, it is about being late for something or having to repeat the same thing over and over at least 36 times in 20 minutes.  Silly, unimportant stuff that seems important, but really isn't. Does this make sense? 


I apologize for raising my voice and thank my daughter for reminding me that I was speaking at a level 4 instead of a 2.  Part of me celebrates the fact that I am becoming more aware and less likely to win the "Like Mother-Like Daughter" award for parenting, but the other part of me still feels like CRAP.  "Bad mother," whispers that scared part of me who pretends kind and quiet Virgin Mary was my REAL mother.  I want nothing to do with the screaming, brilliant, cruel, beautiful alcoholic banshee who was my role model.  


No excuses...just reality. 


It is on these days when I especially need a few moments to myself--not an hour or two, just a few minutes of quietness where I can sit or lie down, close my eyes and just breathe.  You can try it, too.  Here is one of the meditations--simple and easy--that I do to release negative emotions and beliefs.  


Find a comfy spot for YOU.  Notice your breath--try not to judge.  Just allow the thoughts and feelings to come and go easily.

Pay attention to the sound and flow of your breath--hear and feel it moving in and out of your body.  Observe any thoughts or feelings running through your mind or bubbling to the surface.  

When you begin to feel more calm and centered, place one hand below your navel and the other just above it. Feel your belly expand widely as you inhale and collapse back toward your spine as you exhale deeply and slowly. 

After 5-10 complete breath cycles, place one hand above your navel and the other on your heart so you can feel your breath moving easily through your body as it expands and contracts--going deeper and deeper with every breath.  Allow your heart and chest to open even further--inviting a sense of complete, loving compassion into your experience.

Your mind feels more quiet, your body seems more relaxed and soft.  You imagine yourself smiling easily, beginning to see yourself in a safe and happy space.  It can be anywhere.  Let limitations and doubt melt away with each exhalation.  With every inhalation, invite possibilities and magic into your imagination. 

When you are ready, quietly inquire, "What was it like to be a young child blowing bubbles?"  Let a memory come back to you slowly.  See yourself or your child or grandchild blowing bubbles outside on a beautiful summer day.  The sun is out, the sky is blue and you feel warm, safe and comfortable.  Take time to recreate this memory and visualize the space--see colors, take note of the fragrances and your feelings.  BE this young, exquisite child.

Inhale and dip your wand into the bubbles.

Exhale and slowly blow the bubbles out through the wand sending all your worries and stress with them.

On your next couple of inhalations, dip your wand into the bubbles and visualize the clear sparkling soap filled with joy and love--so as you inhale, bring that warm and healing feeling of joy and love into your body and allow it to flow down to your toes and out to your fingers further encouraging you to relax and slow your body down.

As you exhale, blow any type of anger or frustration, tension or stress that you have carried throughout the day into these wonderful soap bubbles and send them all floating away from you—just release these negative feelings and let them go--making more room for joy, love and warm healing energy in your body.

On your last two inhalations, visualize pushing the wand deep into the soap bubbles and noticing the happy anticipation of being free from worry.  Blow any final feelings of frustration or stress out of your body--send huge bubbles into the air above you. As you do this, imagine laughing and smiling as you see the bubbles taking your stress far up into the clouds and away from you.

You now feel relaxed and centered and ready to return to your normal functions. Open your eyes and stretch out your arms and legs before getting up.


Perhaps, like I am, you are now ready to give "being" another go.  I am off to do my best--feeling lighter and more free of those "should" and "could" demons...for now.  


Namaste.